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If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.
If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club
When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾
When I was in first grade, my teacher asked me what my mom did for a living. I said “She sells drugs.” I meant she worked in pharmaceutical sales.
i don’t give parenting advice bc i don’t have kids but i was at an engagement party once where a toddler was walking around drinking a bud light and i had to step in bc craft beers taste better.
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.
when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”
Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”
Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”
Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker?
Now they just mean that you’re 3 and your parents are idiots.
Me: My husband and I have a wonderful relationship
2020 *evil laugh*: Try teleworking from the same room for 8 months, then we’ll talk
“I need a car. What do you have?”
“Well, we have a Subaru Outback”
“But what kind of Subaru?”
“Outback”
“I don’t CARE where you keep it…”
I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero
this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane
“You want a BOOTH?!”
“I think I’m entitled to the BOOTH!”
“YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE BOOTH!!!”
~angry exchange at the Applebee’s hostess stand
ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
Science memes
*Secretly duct-tapes boomerang to the back of his car*
Him: *Drives away*
Me: *whispers* “yeah, you’ll be back.”
Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse
mom, dad i’d like you to meet someone, this is hornyboy12 he slid into my DMs to tell me he’s in love with me based on the highly curated version of myself i present online we’re gonna get married
[First day working in a warehouse]
ME: What’s that machine for?
“Oh, that’s the forklift”
ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??
I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star
have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn