Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.
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Cats are still liquid.
my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral
Me: Don’t wipe dead bugs on your sister.
12yo: Why?
Some things shouldn’t have to be explained, yet here we are.
If your girlfriend says “my pyramid is late…”
Know two things:
1. Your hearing is poor
2. That’s not your biggest problem right now
Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.
[At a psychic fair]
Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.
Those A24 movies with narrow aspect ratios should make use out of the extra space on the sides of the screen. Put up some NFL scores or something
[movie casting]
ME: I’m here for the stuntman job
“Do you have any experience?”
ME: No, but I took a…
“Please don’t”
ME: …crash course
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.
People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
Accidentally closed a browser with 20+ tabs opened . . . this must be what the scholars of Alexandria felt when their great library burned.
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
Afraid to fly? It’s perfectly safe except that air traffic controllers are all gov’t employees forced to work the holidays.
Merry Xmas.
i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?
[3am]
me: *sleeping*
brain: omg you’re late for work!
me: oh shit *jumps out of bed*
brain: lmao you’re so gullible
date: wow nice body
me: i like working out
date: it shows
me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
Imagine it’s hundreds of years ago and the ground shakes violently and then a couple days later the sun vanishes we’d definitely be burning some witches
I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???
Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies
Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it’s about a boy plagued by haunted dolls
Date: Sounds good!
Me: The cowboy one is called Woody
ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break