I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them
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{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!
We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.
Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?
The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.
Did you come from a “never take medicine for any reason whatsoever” family or a “you might get a headache today, take 12 advil” family
Dr: how’s your diet?
Me: I’ve been eating a lot of good fats like you said
Dr: ice cream isn’t good fats
Me: are you kidding me ice cream is amazing
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.
Do you ever delete tweets because you’re afraid someone will think that tweet is about them? Or if they are from Canada, aboot them?
Goat cheese is for herders.
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests
MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket
That moment when you see candid pics of yourself, taken from behind while out walking and it just confirms you look like a giant chicken nugget propped up on two waffle cones.
“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully
“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”
-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn
If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow
If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.
How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day
Our “safe place” during a tornado is a bathroom in the center of our house.
Kids in the tub, me sitting on the toilet, my husband and my ex-husband who had stopped by just before the tornado, all crammed into this tiny space.
Ex-husband: I really hope this isn’t the way I go.
Tear gas is the saddest gas.
[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.
I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.
If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.
My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.
Being a parent of 1 kid: I don’t know who I trust to babysit my child.
Being a parent of 2 feral toddlers: [summons Bloody Mary]
mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?
-my 7 year old making the best of her public education
Getting a speeding ticket in Alabama wasn’t what upset me. What upset me was how long he took to give it to me and he put me behind 15 minutes on my GPS arrival time so I had to speed the rest of the way anyway.