I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them
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HER: Are you a dog or cat person?
BRAIN:*be cool, she seems pretty great*
ME: Whatever you want to eat is fine.
BRAIN: *nailed it*
In conclusion, members of the board, I’m sorry I brought the wrong USB, & thank you for your feigned interest in my sesame street PowerPoint
Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel
i’m at the potluck telling everyone i saw a house centipede crawl into cheryl’s artichoke dip bc i overheard her call my pumpkin pie puff pastry pockets ‘mid’
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.
Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture
What did u do last night?
Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey
Don’t u mean sorrows?
Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
Watching fireworks is like listening to a kid’s story: you have to pretend to be enthralled every time, but in reality you lost interest after the first 3 minutes.
annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.
margaret really hates that.
A nationwide recall of the popular children’s cereal Trix was issued today
“Just dump them out in your garden” said one long-eared FDA agent
the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.
[helping kid w/math]
What is 0.1 as a fraction?
“One tenth?”
Good, now what does 10% mean?
“Battery low, plug in your phone?”
Perfect
ANGEL: Customer service, how can I help you?
SNAKE: *glaring at millipede* Can I speak to your supervisor?
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.
It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.
Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
[Arkham Asylum]
GUARD 1: that guy’s CRAZY *gestures to Joker’s cell*
JOKER: *using Bing instead of Google*
GUARD 2: *whispers* holy shit
i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.
-kids
Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
A conversation between 2 vegans:
“I’m a vegan.”
“I’m a vegan too.”
“Oh.”
“So…you’re a vegan?”
“Yes, I am a vegan.”
“Me too.”
I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.
299 of them are Nestlé.