@ramblinma

My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.

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@Elizasoul80

I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.

@kDuncanG

I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.

@mdob11

Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*

@murrman5

[wife replies to text that I found a genie]
dont do a thing im almost home
[she pulls up and the car from the cars movie is in the driveway]

@pauleggleston

Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.

@Eye_Of_Madara

I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.

@jctwritesstuff

*gets up off bed*

*puts pants back on*

Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?

@Area51eh

Girlfriend mentioned she was lacking iron in her diet.

I gave her all my wrinkled shirts.

And that’s how the fight started.