My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.

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I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.


I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.


Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*


[wife replies to text that I found a genie]
dont do a thing im almost home
[she pulls up and the car from the cars movie is in the driveway]


Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.


I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.


*gets up off bed*

*puts pants back on*

Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?


Girlfriend mentioned she was lacking iron in her diet.

I gave her all my wrinkled shirts.

And that’s how the fight started.