My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
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wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*
Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.
[morgue]
mum: [crying over my bullet ridden body] how did this happen
cop: the robber yelled “everyone be cool” so he tried to do a kickflip
My son’s friend at daycare just shared that he prefers food you eat with a fork because “it’s the only time you get to stab things.” Don’t expect a sleepover invitation any time soon, James.
So inspired right now.
When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.
You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Yes
Magician: And this?
Me: Yup
Magician: How about this one?
Me: Please just put the gun down, you can take the whole wallet
Ah, gaily-wrapped gifts beneath a Christmas tree, twinkling lights, mince pies, and an open fire. I’m in a good place right now. I should probably leave before the owners get home.
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
8yo: daddy what’s your best talent?
me: hmm I don’t know, maybe being a dad?
8yo: no that’s not it
I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.
some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting
INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words
Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.
Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Me: Oooh, I’m parked between two other Subarus! I’m the middle of a Subaru sandwich!! 🥰🥰🥰
I do not want a robot dog. I do want some sort of high-speed Wi-Fi router mobile hotspot installed in my current dog
You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.
[opens treasure chest & it’s full of treasure]
Me: whoa
Friend: what is it?
Me [slowly closing chest]: spiders
*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*
When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.
Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.
*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*
[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog
Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.
me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND RIGHT NOW, she screamed to the 2 liter bottle of club soda rolling around in the backseat.
My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.
Arthur just couldn’t quite get used to working from home.