8yo: daddy what’s your best talent?
me: hmm I don’t know, maybe being a dad?
8yo: no that’s not it
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[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
Hostess: It’s a 15 minute wait. May I have your name?
Me: Baron Von Gerhardt, heir to the throne of Osterburken.
Hostess:
Me: Write it down.
If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”
A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.
Follow your dreams
Eat that cake
Skip the ads
Cut your own hair
Dye it too
Go on the run
Dance in moonlight
Hold your loved one close
Closer
Steal their soul
Offer it to Cthulhu
Write a children’s book
Illustrate it too
Love yourself
Imagine
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.
I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym
has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?
I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years
If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.
I gotta go grocery shopping. I’m the only snack left in the house.
Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
The transition from Lego kid to Nerf kid provides a lot of relief to parents’ feet.
Spent the day helping out on my son’s Kindergarten field trip.
Teachers should make a minimum of $6 million per year.
I have three higher degrees and yet I just opened a bottle of fizzy water that’s been in my rucksack all day on the bus, proving once again that academic prowess has absolutely no correlation to intelligence
“Finally, Avengers time baby!! Been waiting so long to watch this. Nothing could ruin this moment for…”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson sits next to me holding a huge notepad]
Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha
Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife
I wanna congratulate Disney on outbidding me for Fox. I realize now that my offer, $13,000 and an IOU for $81-billion scrawled on a Arby’s bag in crayon, was unrealistic and whatnot.
Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?
7YO: Can you buy me a Ken so that Barbie can date him?
Me: Here just use this Captain America
4YO: (tearing into room) HE CAN’T DATE YOUR BARBIE HE’S BUSY GIVE HIM TO ME
Freezing cake does not impede eating.
Stiff calories are still delicious.
Wife: I want a divorce.
Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.
My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is mississippi
pirate: m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p
judge: im sorry you’re missing an i
pirate: *sobbing* i know, it happened in a sword fight.
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.