*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
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Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?
Smiles from ear to ear.
Wife: what are you smiling about?
Our dog just took a giant dump in our neighbors yard
Wife: God I love that dog.
Top 5 oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp
2. Civil war
3. Virtual reality
4. Great outdoors
5. Family vacation
Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
The Macarena began playing through the dental office speakers as I lied helpless with the hygienist’s hands in my mouth today. #survivor
I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.
billionaire: we’re all in this together
everyone: you lost money too?
billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer
What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.
Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!
Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing
I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.
I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.
me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn’t this fun?
her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy
It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.
i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight
[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.
[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]
“They said no I couldn’t have any money”
Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies
*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*
i love re-reading my favorite book
Me: I can’t decide on a name for the hamster
Wife: Why don’t you sleep on it?
Me: Jesus Christ Amy, I’d squash it
[campfire]
And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN
[everyone screams in terror]
Don’t assume Wal-Mart sells walls. Unless you want an argument about existential reality with an 85-year-old greeter.
So the waiter said “The plate is hot” and I said “I’ll be the judge of that, haha.” Anyhoo, I met a lot of nice people at the burn center.
The day started well when I picked up my car keys to turn on the television.
Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
Potential serial killer in Stockton, CA. Be on the look out in the Stockton area and in California as a whole. Watch this video to see what we know! Important!! But also watch this ad first
it’s Thanksgiving day. i’m carving a turkey. “ahem” i hear from across the house. it’s my old violin instructor. i sigh and then pick up the turkey, put it under my chin and continue an elegant sawing motion. she nods with approval.
[packing for work trip]
“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”
All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.
Since I had to google “exercise” to make sure I spelled it right, I think it’s safe to say I have no idea what to do at the gym.