Me: Sometimes I think I have more imaginary conversations than real ones.
Scarlett Johansson: That’s very interesting.
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list of casinos I need to burn down in order to prevent my credit score from going to the dogs: ceaser palace, trump cube, chuck e cheese,
My husband: Can I ask a really stupid question
Me: More than anyone I know
Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster
The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.
Friend: ow I just cut my finger
Me: ouch
Friend: can u put a bandaid on it
Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp
“hey, aren’t you the guy from high school who would disagree with everything?”
no
*goes back to group of friends*
was it him?
“I don’t know”
Have you ever had your kid get out of bed to knock on your door so many times that you found yourself shouting “WE’RE CLOSED! PLEASE COME BACK DURING REGULAR BUSINESS HOURS!”???
I have the body of a 30yr old
Sofa.
[Date]
Her: Any hobbies?
Me: Monging mostly.
Her: Huh?
Me: I’m a monger
Her: Huh?
Me: Iron, fish, war… You name it — I’ll monger it
Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.
You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.
When Adele sets fire to the rain, she wins a Grammy.
When I set fire to the rain, I’m an “environmental terrorist”.
Fine.
Do you prefer to travel by gravy train or gravy boat
Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.
[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids
my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.
we don’t have a dog.
That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
Most airlines will give you a complimentary bag of pretzels and a full can of soda, except for flights to Minneapolis. Those ones only serve mini sodas
What are some fun shapes kids would like to eat?
Perdue Chicken: Dinosaurs?
McCain Potatoes: Smiley faces?
Mondelez Candies: Other Kids!
Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.