My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
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My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.
Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
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It’s Dublin.
You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.
doctor: what’s wrong?
me: nobody can tell the time anymore
doctor: *on the intercom* janice, we’ve got another one, cancel my 38 o’clock
Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
Dentist: ok open up
“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”
Dentist: no I mean-
Assistant: wait bill…let him finish
[police lineup]
Cop: step forward and say ‘boing boing’
Suspect 1: boing boing
Suspect 2: boing boing
Desk lamp: boing boing
Wife of Pixar’s letter i: that’s the one. He killed my husband
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White t-shirt: lol same.
When I play the kazoo, I play to win
Bisexuals are lucky. To the rest of us, life is a restaurant where you’re allergic to half the items on the menu.
*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter
My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”
(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang
Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.
I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]
If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.
[on deathbed]
“Tell my Wif… *cough*”
Yes? Tell her what?
“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”
[dies]
me: do u take walk-ins?
morgue: what
7yo son: Mom, can you hand me a tissue so I can blow my nose?
Me: Is it already—
7: It’s already on my finger, yes.
The news
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”
Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.
Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
Student: “May I go to the toilet?”
Teacher: “What for?”
Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”
Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.
All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?