Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
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It’s Dublin.![]()
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HIGH SCHOOL BAND TEACHER: Look, you’ve failed at every other classical instrument we have. Do you think you could manage the triangle?
ME: I’ll make you proud, sir!–CONCERT NIGHT–
ME, standing outside, banging on triangle with a ladle: CONCERT’S READY, Y’ALL! COME N’ GIT IT!
Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.
Santa: hey I’m 🎶coming to town!
me: oh great that’s-
Santa: I see you when you’re sleeping. I know when you’re awake
me: uh
Santa: I know if you’ve been bad or good so-
me: please don’t come to town
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them
phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?
me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.“A Game of Phones”
“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”
*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*
“Ah nuts that was a good one.”
just think, if you hadn’t had kids to tell you otherwise you might still be walking around thinking you were cool. lol how embarrassing would that be
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
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Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking
I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms
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[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts
.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife
tourist season
Who called it the U.S. Dairy Council and not the Butter Business Bureau?
Some things in life are inevitable. Birth. Death. My husband storing everything he owns in a massive pile next to his side of the bed.
Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?
Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.
When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.
I’m so forgetful, I swear I’d lose my own head if it wasn’t attached with this black velvet ribbon which you must never, ever, ever touch.
Me: [Walks into kitchen]
[Evil spirit flings open all the cabinet doors]
Me: [Gasps]
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I still have Pringles?
Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?
Client: sadly no. Just you.
Me:
Client: I didn’t mean it like that!
Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume