[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts
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There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”
Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.
Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t tripDon’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again– me running up the stairs
Storm about to blow in, very windy, out in my yard talking to neighbor
Neighbor: *talking, shifts*
Me: *shifts, too, talking*
N: *moves, keeps talking*
M: *moves, too, keeps talking*
N: Why are you copying me? Wait…Are you using me to block the wind?
Me: Yes
N: *laughing*
We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]
I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.
My favorite child is the Roomba.
Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.
I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?
*at a rave*
“EXCUSE ME MISS, WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?”
*45 minutes later*
“THIS IS A LONG SONG”
[After my wife ate my bag of M&Ms I was saving for later]
Wife: You’re being so over-dramaticMe *texting her back from motel room* am I
Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting
Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.
[doctor’s office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality
MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—
ME: An octo-lie.
PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.
ME:
PROFESSOR:
ME: Mocktopus.
*getting kidnapped
Me: Thank you.
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
Her: How would you describe that green sheep?
Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?
Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!
Entrapment 101
Hubby took the kids downstairs and is letting me sleep in! I’m so excit..never mind, I hear crying already. I think it’s my husband.
I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.
I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.
You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts
In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.
You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.
Idioms are annoying so I won’t count chickens that cry over spilt milk at the drop of a hat or bark up the wrong apples and oranges tree because at the end of the day, it is what it is, and it ain’t over til the fat lady kills two birds with a piece of cake.
Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens
Batman: You’re hired
doctor: you’re completely blind
me: what are you saying
doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf
me: what
doctor: oh right