I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
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“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him
english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald
3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:
A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.
“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”
-first rule of Sprite Club
Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
2-year-old: An eagle!
I’m going to save so much money on college.
I get it cicadas I’m ready to scream for six weeks too
Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know
*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*
😂😂😂
Me, parenting my kids 10 years ago: We don’t hit each other. We use our words.
Me, parenting teens now: Please take it outside if you’re going to kill your brother. I just cleaned.
Show me your pushy.
– Sean Connery shext
[in the driveway]
It’s not sporty, but it looks efficient. How many miles per gallon do you get in this bad boy?
Pizza delivery boy (getting out of his Prius): …wuh?
Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.
Posting this on behalf of a friend
Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.
scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.
Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…
Me when someone tries to get to know me
Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300
I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”
It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!
Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…
i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions
At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.