[Calls an ex]
Ex: Hello
Me: Remember how you lied about everything
Ex: Why are you doing this
Me: It’s Throwback Thursday
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[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.
Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.
My 9: what language does toast speak?
French toast.
here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.
*narrows eyes* that sounds like something a crocodile would say
If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years
Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer
Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes
Me *tearing up as my bride walks down the aisle on our wedding day*
Priest:
Me:
Priest: Look she might come back
My 3yo said ‘mummy’ 6,358 times today and I can’t find the page in the parenting book that tells you what to do when they malfunction
There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…
me: but jesus, I noticed that during the most troublesome times of my life there was only one set of footprints
jesus: (takes hit off vape) that was when you were being super sketch bro, like major vibe killer kind of behavior from you
You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.
You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.
My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted
I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.
[at an indian restaurant]
me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.
her: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”
One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.
“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”
If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.
one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.
what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.
HYPNOTIST: YOU ARE FEELING SLEEPY
ME: kinda safe bet there
HYPNOTIST: YOU WILL DANCE LIKE AN OCTOPUS
ME: again, still no surprises.
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.