I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.
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ME [passing the bag]: cheeto?
GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME: can we please not do this?
Him: So tell me something about yourself.
Me: If you spell it backwards it’s flesruoy.
Him: What?
Me: If you add the letter p to it you can spell profusely.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘arrogance’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can, don’t be stupid
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.
[ DEATH CERTIFICATE ]
Cause of Death: Sent girlfriend Eye Roll Emoji
If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.
[talking to a frat bro]
Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.
me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do
my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me
Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”
Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.
Will no one rid me of this turbulent poodle?
Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.
Police: can you describe the woman who stabbed you
Male author: Lithe, spirited, and outgoing. She was a raw sexual force and she knew it. She was a dandelion fluff on a summer day, gone in an instant, leaving you with nothing but the memory of her smell
Police:
There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”
INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.
“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”
– my best friend and the whitest man I know
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
Remembering that time in grad school when my advisor, a great ornithologist, got a random call:
drunk guy, bar noises in background: IS THIS THE BIRD PROFESSOR?
my advisor: um..yes?
drunk guy: DO HUMMINGBIRDS HAVE FEET?
my advisor: …yes
*wild cheering over phone from bar*
If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
“You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”
The three genders.
Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.
There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.
Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.
sure we’re surviving 2019
but at what cost