My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
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Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.
People say “Home is where the heart is”.
Actually though, the heart is between the lungs in the middle of the chest, behind and slightly to the left of the sternum.
Idiots.
Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.
So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.
There’s a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There’s also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.
it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.
A gym so fancy they call it a James.
i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints
Mints: you have beautiful eyes
Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a carburetor?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh
[Bank]
COP: [through megaphone] LET ONE OF THE HOSTAGES GO
ROBBER: Okay, who wants out?
ME: [spinning on bosses chair] I’m comfortable.
Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?
Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: I said no.
I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.
A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…
“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”
-first rule of Sprite Club
Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle
I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!
17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.
“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.
One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.
Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”
If all of the pizza cutters are dirty then 1 whole pizza counts as 1 serving
Me: I can’t seem to lose weight
CW: Have you tried cutting back on your sugar intake
Me:*stirring coffee with snickers bar* What do you mean
Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.
It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.
Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener
My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”
Me: *notices the tooth paste is low and buys a new tube.
Also me: *somehow makes that old tube last three more months.
So many conspiracy theory tweets on my timeline right now about Kate Middleton, when the actual answer is staring us all right in the face: she abandoned her family to do an intensive, residential Photoshop course, and pretended to be having surgery to cover it up.
“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”
-Mormon kids