The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke
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I broke up with a woman once, she was beautiful but dumb, I kicked her to the curb because she couldn’t tell the difference between my bedroom door and the neighbor’s bedroom door.
[debate]
ME: i think you’ll find that the point is moat
OPPONENT: i believe you mean the point is moot
ME: [raising my drawbridge] i do not
When you want your ball, but you don’t want to get wet
🎾💧💦
men’s fashion peaked in 1838
The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.
♫ Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ♫
When you’re Kinky but poor
Son: How does this end?
Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland
Son: No this movie
Me: Shrek marries Fiona
Me: I just ran into your brother.
Friend: How’s he doing?
Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.
If your friend says they can’t swim, don’t make them go in the water because they might be hiding the fact that they’re a robot and you don’t want them to know that you know.
“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago
Brain: eat that entire pizza
Stomach: please don’t
Me: *eats pizza*
Stomach: i hurt so much
Me: i feel sick
Brain: eat that dessert
Me: okay
Stomach: oh my god
People always miss the point of Moby Dick. It’s not just about a man trying to catch a whale. It’s about how animals are hard to catch in general.
Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.
I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money
Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores
Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow
Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped
Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”
[at a party]
Friend: let’s play this game that most of us know
Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?
Waiter: How is the chicken?
Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.
Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
Once upon a time, mummy took 3 kids, 2 scooters, a buggy & a bike to the park then one kid fell off the bike, one fell off the scooter & one needed to poop and mummy had to push the buggy while carrying 3 kids, 2 scooters & a bike and they all cried all the way home the end
Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating
Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom
Hey men, we women love it when you hit us up out of the blue for sex. I mean really, I’ve been waiting for this day for a year, Josh.
Every relationship needs boundaries…
….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.
Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.
Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land