Hey men, we women love it when you hit us up out of the blue for sex. I mean really, I’ve been waiting for this day for a year, Josh.
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oh you like road-trips? name every road then
when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol
Me (trying to impress my date): I’ll have the garden fresh salad
Drive-thru: Dressing?
Me: Ummm, nope. Just sitting in my car
“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”
“Uhhh….why?”
“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”
“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”
Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.
Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits
Jesus steals the winter solstice
me: I’m having hearing issues
doctor: can you describe the symptoms?
me: it’s a tv show about a family from springfield
I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…
[first date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a snail
Waiter: Would you like some salt?
[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]
*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?
I tell my toddler to “ask nicely” and instead of saying please he whispers his demands and I’m not even sure that he’s wrong
So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”
All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.
Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…
Me: …because I still need it.
Feeling stressed out?
Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.
[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO
Opening dryer:
Me: where’s the left sock?!
Parallel universe me: where’s the right sock?!
Other parallel universe me: extra pair again! Thank you, sock gods!
Do you smoke after sex?
Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”
At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still
*hears your text message notification beep*
*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*
I wish I had my mom’s zest for living. she once took a kitchen knife and carved a giant hole in the wall of her closet because she “always wanted a house with a secret passage.” mom you live in a trailer
Agency: Why have you decided to adopt children?
Me: I’m trying to get on the Buzzfeed funny parent list
Agency:
Me: Children are the future
I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.
me: I need to learn about clams
librarian: you can find them under C
me: I need to learn more than that
[bank]
Matt Damon: “I’d like to make a deposit.”
Teller: “Checking or…”
Matt Damon: “Please, don’t.”
Teller: “Savings, Private Ryan?”
I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.
bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more