All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.
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What if instead of meth you made the powerpuff girls?
what if sneks had fluffy ears
what then??
When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city
I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me
Thank you corporation very cool
Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on “too many kids” & “making it look accidental.” Found my iPad but haven’t seen her all day.
“Sorry, I can’t work today due to the snow”
“But… we work from home anyway?”
“Yeah, sorry, the snow’s really bad here”
“But we have a Zoom call in…”
“I know, sorry. Hopefully it’ll clear up by tomorrow!”
Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point
Me: You can’t fire me, I quit!
Boss: You can’t quit, I fired you!
Me: You can’t quit me, I’m fire!
Boss:…
*our eyes lock and we kiss*
7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.
Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things
I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
*skydiving*
Jumper: Where’s your parachute?
Married Guy: Don’t need one
J: There’s no chance of survival
MG: Not trying to beat the odds
“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”
my girlfriend has literally 40 browser tabs open on her $170 chromebook. some tabs are like a week old and it’s not even slowing down. it’s astounding. trying to imagine what 1998 me would think of that. he’d be amazed i have a girlfriend
Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
Doormat
Placemat
Yoga mat
Laundry matYes, it’s another four mat tweet.
accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”
Kids will be like “let’s play hide and seek!”, look for you for five seconds and then get bored, start playing hot wheels or some other crap and leave you contorted up in the laundry room
[Knock at the door]
Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?
Mary: What’s he done this time?
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”
The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge
🤣🤣🤣🤣
Dr: He has a lot of blockage
“So my Dad has a bad heart?”
Dr: He also donates to charity
“So he has a good heart?”
Dr: Ya, it evens out
[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please