ME: Is this Babies R Us
CASHIER: Yes
ME: No babies work here
C: I know
ME: It should be called Babies Were US
C: …
ME: Get me your manager
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[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
*Opens freezer*
Yo ice! Whatchu upto?
“Just chillin.”
Haha!
“HAHA!”
Hehe.
“Drunk again huh?”
Yeah.
I can’t touch my face so I’ve been letting the cats apply and remove my makeup. They’re getting pretty good at it.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
The Cheesecake Factory had a “Help Wanted” sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn’t to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 3 hours.
Boss: No, do it in your own time please.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 12 Flinglongs.
Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….
The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*
Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭
Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.
My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice#haiku
I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.
Her: It would really mean a lot to my mother if you came
Me *pulling out*: I know she wants grandkids but we’re not ready
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.
I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.
The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.
I’m so glad I had a kid so instead of relaxing in the bath, I can have someone explain Minecraft to me in painful detail.
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
I call my wife “Wordle”
She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.
Condiments that would be cute baby names:
Dijon
Sriracha
Cholula
Caesar
Aioli
Wasabi
Tabasco (Tabby for short)
Honey Mustard
You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.
I hate everything
I hate talking about the weather with Canadians because I have to convert the temperature to Mooses per square Tim Hortons or whatever.
You’re doing a great job looking at your phone
Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.
I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.