Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
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Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with
You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8
Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling
I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?
Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink
Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!
Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day
People at Costco really need to be less sensitive
Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?
*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
The 7 dwarfs of allergy season…
Sniffy, Sneezy, Stuffy, Wheezy, Runny, Itchy, and Dopey.
I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform
My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.
when I was 15 I wore bath and body works pear spray and this guy I met at a retreat badgered me about what the scent was b/c it smelled like his girlfriend & she claimed that “some of us just smell that way” so I told him yeah some of us do. I hope wherever she is now she’s good
So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing
Maths meets science
I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.
Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”
I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.
Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.
I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan
Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable
A fake ID that makes you younger
And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony