Maths meets science
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If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.
There are two types of stuff in life:
1) The stuff you need to know.
2) The stuff you want to know.
3) Maths.
If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
My wife and I spell out words so our toddler won’t understand what we’re saying, but we both spell like shit so we can’t understand what we’re saying either.
Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.
me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?
Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.
Kissing 101:
1. Open your mouth
2. Wider, that’s it.
3. Stick out your tongue
4. Then walk towards her and pray she doesn’t run away.
Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you
Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.
Recipe: simmer gently for 3-4 minutes
Me: boils violently for 16-98 minutes depending on when I remember I left something cooking in a pan
Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys
we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws
[during sex]
ME: I’m Italian, how about you?
HER: Finnish
ME: Ok sure just give me a second
I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.
You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.
Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
“Snowmageddon”? We can do better, Twitter.
#SnowCountryForOldMen
#ISnowWhatYouDidLastWinter
#SnowMommaFromTheTrain
#Snowverfield
I don’t think some women realize just how handsome my mom says I am.
[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]
And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!
My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
I’m just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day…it may be time to trim things up a bit.
Me: you want salmon for dinner?
3yo: yeah!
Me: what do you want with it?
3yo: mayo.
Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.
3yo: mayonnaise.
They should make fortune cookies with more obtainable fortunes:
You will vacuum the living room.
You will run into the coffee table.
I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.