*finds sheet of bubble wrap in drawer*
Hmm…
*presses intercom button*
Janet? Cancel my appointments today. Something important just came up.
You Might Also Like
[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened
me: I’m doing marathon training
friend: that can really help you in the long run
me: I know what it’s for
This is from an actual conversation 🤣🤣
Scientist: We don’t really know exactly how that happens. They’re performing electron microscopy, PCR, & tissue cultures to figure it out
Random person: Did you try searching the internet?
“I know exactly how you feel.”
*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman
“Have you considered living on campus?” I ask.
“For a school that’s 30 minutes away? That’s crazy.” My 17 year old answers.
I eat my chili from a small ice cream bowl with an oversized serving spoon (because all of our dishes are in his room) as I stare sadly out the window.
Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.
I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.
Friend: *opening his front door* Oh, it’s you. But the dinner party is tomorrow
Me: It’s ok. I’ll wait
On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
Intel’s responses are magic:
– There’s a design flaw in Intel CPUs.
– Intel: no, they work as designed.– It allows stealing of passwords.
– Intel: no, it doesn’t corrupt data.– There are three bugs.
– Intel: we’ve fixed both.
Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.
My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.
Me: Who’s a good boy? WHO’S A GOOD BOY? Who wants a belly rub? WHO WANTS A BELLY RUB?
Client: Can I get a different massage therapist?
[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]
My cat: lol no
Sorry I ate all your cake after you passed out and then drew your angry eyebrows on so you’d be ready to discuss it when you woke up.
DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home
I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now
Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.
A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.
[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
If you’re ever wondering what to do in an uncomfortable situation, just think “What would teenage me do?”
And then do the opposite of that.
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
[first date at restaurant]
Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.
I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers.
She wasn’t interested because it didn’t scream out in pain.
A super funny prank would be if someone snuck into my driveway in the middle of the night and washed my car lmao. I would be so owned it would be hilarious
At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.
In case of an emergency, eat fried chicken.