“Have you considered living on campus?” I ask.
“For a school that’s 30 minutes away? That’s crazy.” My 17 year old answers.
I eat my chili from a small ice cream bowl with an oversized serving spoon (because all of our dishes are in his room) as I stare sadly out the window.
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I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that
Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne
Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand
Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away
6-year-old: *shows off her new fancy pen*
Me: That’s so nice. Who gave you that?
6: My boyfriend.
Me: Give it back.
Her: You have very beautiful hair.
Me: Oh, you flirt!
*Hands me her card*
Her: If you’re ever thinking about selling it, call me…
you’ve heard of fomo now get ready for fobi (fear of being included)
Due to a recent incident I lost my job as the ‘CEO of Washing Dishes’ and got an internship as the ‘Head of Watching Brown Rice Boil’
I will be celebrating Columbus Day by setting sail for India, landing in Spain, and telling everyone who lives there to move out.
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
My dad brought me yellow gatorade because that’s the medicinal flavor. orange is for exercise. red is the best tasting but has no healing properties, it’s just a drink like an arizona iced tea.
uh oh
Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.
HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don’t want to.
HER: C’mon.
ME: No, I’m bad at it.
HER: I’m sure you’re not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.
The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.
Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.
me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
Oh, so it’s cute when my toddler says “all done” and hangs up mid call on the phone to my in-laws but when I do it I’m “out of line”.
If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this
Kevin E
Then he’s pretty damn stupid…
Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
Genie: and for your last wish?
Me: I wish I could reverse age a few years.
*wakes up with a pimple the size of Australia*
Me: NOT LIKE THIS!!!
Stop sending me this shit.
I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
People text “happy new year” and go missing for the rest of the year!
How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?
It’s so annoying when attractive people say they’re ugly just to get compliments from people, ugh if I weren’t so ugly I’d do the same thing
My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”
My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.