Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.
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Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.
dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
My therapist says my little dragon friend isn’t real. But, my little dragon friend says my therapist isn’t real, and I’ve known her longer.
a former teacher who loved saying “lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine” just reached out to me about getting comp tickets to a show of mine because she didn’t realize it would sell out.
wellllllllllllllllllllll well well well WELL.
I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car
Alien: This is candy corn?
Me: Yeah
A: But it doesn’t look like-
Me: I know
A: And it tastes like-
Me: I know
A: So this is kinda like grape soda
Me: There ya go
I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.
How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”
latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue
I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen
I came to this town with only 8 dollars in my pocket and I turned myself into a success. If it weren’t for the access to another $940K I had in the bank, it might have been damn near impossible.
The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.
All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
By today’s standards the butts in Sir Mix-a-Lot’s video weren’t really that big.
He liked medium butts.
So he lied.
[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel
[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]
Jeff Bezos confirms he’s no longer the world’s richest man as Bill Gates has cancelled his Amazon Prime subscription.
My doctor says I only have one diabete.
I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.
Me: I fell down the stairs with a quart of Jägermeister & I didn’t spill a drop.
Him: Well, how’d you do that?
Me: I kept my mouth shut..
Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.
*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*
*puts it on a squirrel*
If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.
*Making friends at the playground*
My 6yo: How old are you?
Other kid: I’m 13. What about you?
6yo: Oh I’m almost 13 – I’m 6.
My 4yo: *casually* I’m 15.