The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.
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My Car would not run, neighbor said it was a problem with the stringy thing..Took it to a Quantum Mechanic and he disagreed w string theory
Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.
Don’t be a doormat for people to walk all over. Be a FAKE doormat over a trapdoor that leads to a secret pit of cobras.
Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.
My eye keeps twitching. I’m no doctor, but I feel like eating a large quantity of bread and cheese will probably cure it.
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…
I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial
Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning
My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.
Somebody call the cops.
That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.
Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on
I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.
“You gotta get me out of here, man.”
“Relax, Monty, I’m working on it.”
“You talk to my lawyer?”
“Yeah, the cops don’t have shit.”
“Okay, good. How’s Theresa?”
“Fine, her mom’s staying with her.”
“Thanks for all this, Frankie.”
“Hey, that’s what cousins are for.”
How come I only know the shortcuts for copy & paste and internet history, yet the cat can walk across the keyboard and open a bank account?
I’m tired of the grind and have decided to seek romantic comedy employment. Currently searching postings for high paying positions in a whimsical book shop.
Thinking about Jeff
My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere
Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.
I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.
Wife: Sometimes women like bad boys.
Me: Well I just replaced real garlic in this recipe with powdered garlic.
Wife: *fans herself*
me: [staring up at the sun, then at the sunblock in my hands, then back up at the sun, then back at the sunblock]
my wife: you’re wondering whether you put it on yourself or on the sun, aren’t you
me: look i didn’t go to medical school like you did ok
Still my favorite television listing of all time:
Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.
we did it you guys we saved daylight
*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*
*forgets what they’re called*
The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist