I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.
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[enters house after leaving the kids home with my husband]
12: No, you shut up!
14: NO! YOU SHUT UP!
Me: *locks eyes with my husband and backs out of house slowly*
ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden
Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..
Top prank: when your friend falls asleep, place his hand in a bowl of warm water so he wakes up with one regular hand & one wrinkly one.
Thinking about that guy who challenged all the witches on TikTok to hex him so he could prove magic isn’t real and every time he updated saying his life was going fine, witches would get so upset they weren’t able to kill a man with their mind like Professor X
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
It’s like ten thousand views when all you need is a like.
A Hallmark movie where the heroine is such a Karen that she ruins Christmas, the adorable son of the widower tells her to go back to her law firm in the city, and ends with the whole town chasing her with pitchforks.
On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
Overall, the kids and parents took Wonka’s maniacal screaming, small orange mutated workers, and horrific accidental deaths in stride, maintaining remarkable composure. This tells us they were no strangers to candy factory tours.
me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”
Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.
She wasn’t quite sure
Brad was a bit older
He seemed kind of shy
But she was much bolder
She asked him to dinner
“I’d love to” he told her
When she kissed him good night
Things started to smolder
But she ended it there
And gave the cold shoulder
When she got a ring
She’d be Anna
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s
This will be our daughter’s first year trick or treating and the goal is to get her to collect all the candy for us and then immediately forget it exists
Unplugged the WiFi for 10 seconds and a teenager I didn’t know existed appeared from one of the bedrooms to complain
THE ANTICHRIST: Hey, dad. I’m hungry.
THE DEVIL: Hi, Hungry. I’m Beelzebub, the serpent in the Garden, Lucifer, son of the morning, the fallen angel, Baphomet, the prince of darkness, Mephistopheles, Satan, the truest evil, Mammon, the dragon of the bottomless pit, left hand of—
Her: Is breakfast almost ready?
Me: Yeah, I just have to drain the sausage.
Her: Can’t we please wait till after breakfast for that?
Judge: So, you maintain that he took advantage of you?
Her: Yes Your Honor!
Judge: When did you realize this?
Her: When his check bounced
Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.
*watches a house fall on you*
*steals your shoes*
If you’ve ever wanted to take a tiny bag of poop on a tour of your neighbourhood, owning a dog might be right for you