Thinking about that guy who challenged all the witches on TikTok to hex him so he could prove magic isn’t real and every time he updated saying his life was going fine, witches would get so upset they weren’t able to kill a man with their mind like Professor X
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Me: I’m ghosting him.
Her: You stopped talking to him?
Me: No, I’m showing up when he least expects it and scaring the shit out of him.
a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”
A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.
It’s payday!! Time to splurge! Time to indulge! Time to blow it all on *checks notes* an Adequate Amount Of Groceries
For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.
On a scale of ‘woke up in the gutter’ to ‘CAPS LOCK IS TOO LOUD’..
How hung over are you?
we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
This will teach them to underestimate me
I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.
I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.
Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks
CALIBUR: I love being a calibur!
ME: Stop being a calibur. Arthur needs you.
EXCALIBUR: Ok
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
1yo: *walking*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
6yo: *riding two-wheeler*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
16yo: *pouring milk into cereal without spilling*
cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold
Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.
Ed [laughing]: what do you call a fish with no eye?
Stede, without looking up: Myxine Circifrons
Ed:
Ed: fsh
Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.
Tried new pain medication, and an hour later 3 penguins in military fatigues walked into the room and told me I need to kill Mussolini’s cat
[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands
[dropping kids off at school]
ME: Ok, learn a lot today
KIDS: But school doesn’t start for another week
ME: *speeding off* GOOD LUCK
I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
Literally any podcast host asking their guest a question
My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.
who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.