we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy
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An excerpt from my self help book, “How to Get Rich Quick”
Chapter 1: Write a self help book about how to get rich quick
The End
Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 6
You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.
[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
lmao i hate nyc corner dudes so much. rushing out this am to to the subway, I have on a big yellow (faux) fur coat…tell me why this dude yelled out, “go ahead big bird, looking fly!” 😂😭🐥
I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.
How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?
CATHOLICS: 18
I think I’m about six months away from the perfect ‘before’ picture.
I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.
Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date
Wrong
We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable
An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE
Dear everyone THE PEEPS ARE MY BABIES please do not eat them. Take them home. Give them warmth and comfort. Allow them to nest beside your TV. Give them your passwords so they can log on to the dark web and order books about witchcraft to summon Cthulhu. Let them swim in the sink
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”
[hospital]
“Did my dad make it, doctor?”Billy, your dad’s in a better place now.
[crying] “HE’S DEAD?”
Haha no, he went to Disney World.
best thing about being a parent is having to convince my kids to drink water, like I’m on the goddamn marketing team for something they need for survival
Me: Now do you believe me?
Wife: The fridge isn’t haunted.
Me: Then who made all that ice?
Wife: *walks away*
Me: WHO?!
I think it’s bad coaching to tell kids to choke up on the bat. matter of fact i don’t think children should be eating baseball bats at all.
[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
HER: Are you a dog or cat person?
BRAIN:*be cool, she seems pretty great*
ME: Whatever you want to eat is fine.
BRAIN: *nailed it*
I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house
Sesame Street: this is an educational show
Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that
Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one
5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”
Shit dude that SUCKS
-me as a 911 operator
Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
The fastest I ever ended a blind date was when I asked her to tell me about herself and she replied “Well, I’m a Gryffindor”