I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house
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He’s cranky this morning
Me: you got your gaming license with you?
Husband: relax…it’s MARIOKART, NOT duck hunt
I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
3yo: dad I’m swimming!
Me: amazing but try not to drink so much of the water!
3yo: I keep drinking the water!
Me: I know don’t drink the water!
3yo: I just drank more of the water!
Me: please stop drinking the water!
3yo: my belly hurts!
When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.
It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.
Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee*
Therapist: You’re late again
Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH
Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
Nana said I took too much NyQuil so I laughed at her and then she turned back into a paper clip and jumped into my fave Law & Order episode.
Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!
Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.
jk rowling: every character will have a meaningful arc. harry finds the family he never had
editor: nice
jk rowling: ron faces his fears. hermione questions authority.
editor: what about, what’s his name, neville?
jk rowling: oh, shawty gets DUMB thicc
[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass
[911 call]
“My hand’s stuck in a blender!”
“Turn it on then.”
“What?”
” I can’t hear it, turn it on so I know you’re not lying.”
What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency
God’s Wife: I just need some space!
God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)
In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.
Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong
Me: challenge accepted.
Listen here babe I’m not a mind-reader and I’m also not great at picking up body language so- ok yes that hand gesture I understand
I don’t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.
I’ve never been addicted to drugs, but I imagine the urge is what my mother-in-law feels to rearrange my utensil drawer at my house.
“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places
I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.
ME: Everyone has a soul and since souls are actually ghosts, technically we’re all haunted
ANESTHESIOLOGIST, TO THE SURGEON: I seriously don’t know how she woke up
Ever tried to pinch a dried yogurt smear off your black leggings and watched in horror as a cloud of dust floated off of them?
Me either. That’d be gross.
Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.
When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?
Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?
It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.