I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.
You Might Also Like
[Wife watching news]: The tuxedo store was robbed. Know anything about that?
Me in super frilly tux: Nope
*Dog walks in also wearing tux*
8y/o: Do prisons have libraries?
Me: Yeah, usually.
8y/o: Yay! So I can still read when I’m in prison.
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
DATING IN THE 1800s
1) Get telegram from Mae
2) Wait to respond. Don’t be desperate
3) Get telegram that Mae died of dysentery while waiting
baby: a-a-
mom: his first word!
baby: According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the grou
[DUI checkpoint]
Cop: I’m gonna need you to follow my finger
Me: As long as it doesn’t tweet inspirational stuff
[on the phone]
wife: My mom tripped over the dog
me: Is she ok?
wife: Yeah
me: Can I talk to her?
wife: Sure *calls for the dog*
[being murdered]
Mailman: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
My Dog: if only someone had indicated on multiple occasions that the mailman was bad OH WAIT
Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.
*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges
Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
I’ve retired from twitter to devote more time to being an email unsubscriber.
Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day
WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”
My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.
COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
me: *knows girls like nerds* I read a lot
date: what kind of books?
me: *knows girls also like jocks* heavy ones
Why I hate technology:
Most of my lightbulbs now have a longer life expectancy than me.
“…She is survived by one son , three porch lights and one ceiling fan bulb”
Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.
That snake Lucifer sent into the Garden of Eden was actually meant to be a cat but it didn’t feel like taking orders.
We buried my grandmother, yesterday.
She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.
Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.
-my son, asking to be taken out of the will
I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.
I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.
I should move the bodies.
DANNY OCEAN: I’m putting together a crew for the biggest job ever and I need you
ME: *wiping off a giant milk moustache* I am 100% sure you have the wrong person but I’m in
“It’s a banana in my pocket”
“May I remind the defendant that he’s under oath?”
*averts eyes*
“I’m glad to see you”
My mother: What color do you look good in?
Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.
Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.
Ok but actually