[Annual Review]
Boss: how do you think you performed this year?
Me: *an accountant* I think I “excelled” at my job.
Boss: you’re fired.
Me: This is such an accrual profession.
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I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.
I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*
My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
People who sound like fonts: Ariana Grande. Roman Roy. Jim Courier. Lydia West. Bon Iver. Suella Braverman. Jesse Ventura
I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”
BRENDA: I brought cookies!
ME: I guess I can have one, I’ve been good all week
*eats cookie*
*eats entire tray of cookies*
*eats Brenda too*
Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.
I think I just went to third base with a jelly doughnut.
“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
Oh sure, when my cat brings you a dead animal it’s because she’s giving you a present, but when I do it, I’m a “psychopath.”
[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]
me: hey weren’t there five of you
them: (in agreement) no
Why is it called a corn maze, when we could just call it a maize?
Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.
“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder
*guy acts like he’s gonna punch me*
GUY: HA! You flinched
ME: yes because I thought you were going to punch me. If you actually punched me I would have been more protected. You see, evolutionarily speaking, the flinchers would have outlived those wh-
GUY: *actually punches me*
[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed
Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot
Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.
Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush
My 3-year-old said she wished we had a pet. I reminded her we have a dog and wow the genuine surprise on her face as it dawned on her that our dog is a pet and not just some other guy who lives here.
Blending in with the normals like:
Her: A baby! Oh he’s so cute I want to pinch his cheeks! Can I hold him?
Her: Oh my God I could just eat him up!
Me: I also wish to cannibalize the infant
My husband likes that clear soup at Japanese restaurants because the vegetables are floating on top and easy to pick out, not at all hiding and trying to trick him into eating vegetables like with other soups.
My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order