All right stop, coagulate and thicken
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My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.
As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence
To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.
I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.
Never mind, someone else just got on.
“i miss shittin on people”
[First Date]
Her: I love Christmas.Me (trying to impress her): *Pretending I got a phone call* Sorry, it’s my boss, I need to take this. Yes? Oh, hello SANTA.
We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice
This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.
ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*
“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”
~ Karma Chameleon
M: I don’t regret my past. I’m far too cold and calculating for regrets.
Lawyer: Okay, so I don’t want you saying that at the trial.
It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids
I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.
when the buffet is more honest than your date
People are always telling me I look like Hagrid from Harry Potter. I’ve never seen the movies, but she must be a beautiful gal.
My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”
Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
*holding 7 steak knives*
DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.
Unless your wife finds out.
Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”
Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”
‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’
the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. “not great man ive got diarrhea” i told him
“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”
~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.
I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy
If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder
My son got this balloon on Valentine’s Day. He accidentally let go & it floated to the ceiling. Days later it was still up there. I said, “be patient, it will come down” but he didn’t believe me. “If it comes down I get an iPad!” he said. I agreed. Then I glued it to the ceiling.
10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
hitman: who am I killing?
dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?
hitman: rings a bell
dog: that’s right