Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.
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I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.
It never fails: whenever I’m at a crime scene, analyzing blood spatter and bullet trajectories, someone always assumes I’m a CSI.
I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.
[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
Patanjali salt label says it was created 250 million years ago from Himalayan rocks. Expiry is in 2018. Guess they dug it up just in time!😄
I conduct all my high level anti-robot meetings in a hot tub. A precaution to make sure no one is a secret robot. They are poorly attended.
[on a farm]
Me: *sees a cow standing next to a bucket*
Oh, I’ve always wanted to do thatFarmer: Go ahead!
Me: *stands next to a bucket*
I was not prepared for the back-to-school chaos this morning. “GRAB YOUR LUNCHES AND GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!” was something I said. Along with, “Have a great first day sweethearts! I will miss you so much!” Being one of my kids must be so confusing. Mommy loves you but please go.
So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn’t Santa. LOL drugs.
Obi-wan: You don’t have a shot with Padmé.
Anakin: Don’t underestimate my charm.
*stares at her creepily for the rest of the movie*
As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle
My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday
People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
❤Missed connection❤
You were the street magician who pointed at me and asked me to shout out the name of a card
I was the guy in the red shirt who panicked and shouted out “PIKACHU” whilst you rolled your eyes
I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.
Nature documentarian (weeping): I know it’s against our non-interference policy, but we have to intervene and put this poor creature out of its misery. This is just cruel.
Me (holding 3rd bowl of cereal): What are you people doing in my apartment?
Tom drives smooth: Tom Cruise
Tom hasn’t left yet: Tom Waits
Tom taking low road: Tom Petty
I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.
It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.
I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.
The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
Your first instinct is gonna to be to spell “leopard” and “deaf” correctly. You’re going to want to resist that. – Best band manager ever.
person: can you keep a secret?
me: I’ll never share what you say but it will weigh on me and negatively affect my life
person: oh thank god
Calling in stupid to work tomorrow