It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.
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accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”
How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768
Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack
There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note “Don’t eat me”.Now there’s an empty plate and a note “Don’t tell me what to do”
Librarian “SHHHHH”
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*
My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.
Phone
Me: *confused* You’re still making toast?
Mom: I made toast but I knocked the plate over — but it landed right side up! The toast didn’t even touch the ground!
Me: Oh good
Mom: Then (her dog) ran & he brought it to me like a toy! In his mouth. *sigh* So I’m making toast
Alarm clock set for 6:00 am
Bladder set for 5:54 am
my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed
When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
“Please, take me out to dinner!”
“I don’t date married women, sorry.”
“I’m your wife!”
“No exceptions!”
every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy
You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.
Once a married woman “gave me a piece of her mind,”bc her (also married) TC retweeted me. I didn’t RT him, nor did I know the dorks were ‘TCs,’ but ok. Then he sent me DMs to say she was crazy.I didn’t respond so he told me I was a snob.
Anyway, I hate it here. I’m never leaving
*phone rings*
Me: THANK GOD YOU CALLED I’VE BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT MY CAR WARRANTY!
An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough
I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.
wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.
[interrogation room]
me: tell us
criminal: he’ll kill me if i do
me: you’re making my partner very angry
my partner, who is also the lamp from the pixar intro: [shines light brightly]
criminal: i-
me: [holding back lamp as he tries to jump on criminal] shit that set him off
Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!
Criminal: Get outta my—
Rookie: STOP TALKING
Me: Why were my tests so expensive?
Hospital: All of our equipment is state-of-the-art.
Me: Why did it take so long to send the results to my doctor?
Hospital: Our fax machine was down.
me: this english class is stupid who needs grammar
{ 15 years later }
me, leaning to lawyer: what the hell is a sentence
verbiage sounds like something you’re not getting enough of in your diet
Me: I can’t do anything right
Therapist: You’re in my chair
In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.
Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥
If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.
Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.
I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB