Dear Captchas,
I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid
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I want to go on the record by saying I love my family but if I have to spend any longer with them you’ll be seeing me on the 6 o’clock news.
Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?
“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”
“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”
Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?
Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?
Where do I see myself in five years? *kicks feet up on desk* Sir, does my resumé list “psychics abilities” under skills? No. Next question.
6yr old: *places dolls near me and lays a piece of paper down in front of each of us*
“We’re putting on The Little Mermaid with Ariel, Eric, Ursula, Sebastian And Flounder. Turn over your paper to find out your role.”
Me: *turns paper over, it says “a rock”*
*orders a medium pizza*
*opens box*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-
*eats pizza*
I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.
He’s awfully thin…
Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.
Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!
Me: You’re right. *walks away*
My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.
i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking
Me: How do I beat the bully?
Dad: Just punch him
Me: I am not doing that
Dad: Or grow up, work hard, and be more successful and popular than him
Me: So like an uppercut?
[High School Reunion]
Him: I started my own Law Firm last year
Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story
honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good
Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank
{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.
Surgeon: Appendectomies are tricky, you sure you got this?
Dr. Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: *flings scalpel into ceiling* You bet!
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.
Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker
ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.
STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile
Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”