6yr old: *places dolls near me and lays a piece of paper down in front of each of us*
“We’re putting on The Little Mermaid with Ariel, Eric, Ursula, Sebastian And Flounder. Turn over your paper to find out your role.”
Me: *turns paper over, it says “a rock”*
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Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.
I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.
Me: Why are you digging in your ear?
3: Daddy pulled out coins yesterday and I’m looking for more for my piggy bank!
Me: Well in this economy it can’t hurt to try
“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Describes mother*
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*
[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep
I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”
alien: take me to your leader
me: take me to YOUR leader
alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?
[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away
I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
[group therapy]
IAN: Hi. I’m Ian. I’m racist
[others nod]
ME: Hi. I’m Mat. I use landscape keyboard on my phone
[screaming]
[Ian pukes]
Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016
Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.
If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
My daughter asked me what a colonoscopy was so I gave her an honest answer. She learned about colonoscopies and I learned I need to be less honest.
i wish we could shoplift online
listen, if your girl ever has to move home for a few weeks to save a family business whilst in the company of a charming slacker she once had a crush on in high school, you’re gonna have a bad time
Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.
I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.
Watching TV
Detective: … and the horribly mangled remains were found on October 25th…
Me: Woo! They said my birthday!
me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
This club sucks & tell the DJ to lighten up on the Enigma.
SON, YOU PASSED OUT. THIS IS A CATHEDRAL
You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!
[sending smoke signals]
*your*
*house*
*is*
*on*
*fire*
Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.
My sports team is better than your sports team!
“Is not!”
Is too!
“IS NOT!”
*pulls out giant foam finger*
Whoa man, be cool
I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date
Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?
Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.
I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole
TSA agent: I’m sorry we don’t allow liquids over 3.4 ounces
me: ok I’ll finish it here [drenches myself with Axe deodorant]