I’m quite sure if Adam had offered Eve a donut, that whole Garden of Eden thing would’ve gone in an entirely different direction.
You Might Also Like
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off
Cop: Freeze!
Suspect: Try and catch me! *dives into Olive Garden’s bottomless pasta bowl*
Rookie: We gotta go after him!
Cop: No. He’s gone.
Does the 5 second rule apply when you accidentally say “I love you” during sex?
Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.
GANG LEADER: do these drugs to prove you’re not a cop
ME: how would that prove i’m not a cop?
GANG LEADER: cause cops hate drugs
ME: nonsense. i’m a cop and i love them ah crap
[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
[airplane strafes the ground with machine guns]
Mozzarella: *checks self* I’m OK.
Cheddar: Me too! That was close, eh Swiss? …Swiss?
A boy asks his mom, “Why am I black and you’re white?” She says, “Don’t even go there. The way that party went, you’re lucky you don’t bark”
Pretty sure they warned us about this on the Book of Revelations.
[dating profile]
Body sculpted by Michelangelo.
The turtle. Not the David dude.
Serious enquiries only.
ᴮʳᶦⁿᵍ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵒʷⁿ ᵖᶦᶻᶻᵃ.
Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.
As Elon Musk opens a huge underground tunnel in LA, critics question his motives after a Thai football team is seen wandering into it.
Do you ever think of the ex you made a painful decision to leave and just hope in your heart of hearts that someone is annoying them worse than you ever could have?
I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy
Her: Umm…Where are you going?
Me: Walking the dog.
Her: When you get back, we need to talk.
* walks dog…returns 3 days later
RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed
u guys got any snacks onboard here
My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo
Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn
My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.
How does a Ninja attack a pig?
Pork Chop.
Fun things 2 say 2 men:
Turn that frown upside down. Make ur mouth don’t face south. Have ur lips do some flips. Make that sneer disappear.
[House has collapsed]
Fireman: Your dad is stuck underneath, I’m not sure we’ll find him in time
Me: *steps nearer* GUESS I’LL BE DOING ALL THE GRILLING FROM NOW ON
*rubble starts to move*
Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.
mental health is a lot like normal health in video games, where if your meter goes down you can just eat a can of baked beans to get it back up. you can get more mental health with the beans
Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”