doctor: [pulling out anal beads]
me: this is embarrassing
doctor: sorry I should have done it before you arrived
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FITBIT: You’ve done 11k steps today.
ME: Ok, I’ll rest some.
FITBIT: stop now and I’ll murder you
ME: What?
FITBIT: I SAID GOOD FOR YOU!
Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.
My family wanted a Disney experience so I charged them $150 to stand in a line for three hours before taking our daughter to the bathroom.
A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin
Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.
Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.
Imagining the Matrix pill scene if Neo bent down and ate the red pill directly out of Morpheus’ hand like a petting zoo goat and Morpheus completely froze weirded out
I get it, mayonnaise. I am also disgusting yet liked by many.
Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.
Best spoiler warning ever
Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.
Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again
Bite me again
– my bottom lip
“Finally, Avengers time baby!! Been waiting so long to watch this. Nothing could ruin this moment for…”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson sits next to me holding a huge notepad]
Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.
The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.
Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.
I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen
“sorry you are currently offline” is my new go-to response when my family wants something
I told our stepmom that when you first log onto Zoom calls, you’re supposed to put your face close to the camera and open your mouth really wide so other callers can examine your teeth.
My brother just sent me an angry text.
Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.
Velcrow
If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.
VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine
i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.
Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
3yo stood in front of the electric door at the grocery store, kicking it and shouting, “Dammit! Open! Why does no one listen to me?”
I think she’s ready to be a parent now.
Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest