3yo stood in front of the electric door at the grocery store, kicking it and shouting, “Dammit! Open! Why does no one listen to me?”
I think she’s ready to be a parent now.
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A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.
like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
(Going to Wife’s Work Party)
WIFE: Don’t just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
Sirens: *luring me to my death*
Me: *finger guns*
Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.
I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.
I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.
Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”
[Meanwhile in Hell]
Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”
I got pulled over for speeding just outside Atlanta. The cop asked why I was in town, I said to do stand up, he asked me to tell him a joke, I told a really dirty one, he didn’t give me a ticket. Honestly, one of my all-time highest paid stand up gigs!!!
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
I’m piloting an SR-71, capable of flying speeds above Mach 3. 85,000 feet above earth, my shadow passes directly over a small town in rural Kansas where there is only one Dairy Queen and one McDonald’s—
My phone: WOULD YOU LIKE CONNECT TO MCDONALD’S WI-FI???
When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think
“THEY’RE KILLING MY FAMILY, AND I’LL HAVE TO FIGHT THE ATTACKER NAKED”
ME: Mint choc chip ice cream, pls. I got my own cone [places it on counter]
EMPLOYEE: This is a traffic cone?
ME: You must be new here.
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
It’s that time of the year when you are equally sweaty 2 minutes before and after shower.
Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.
Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements
Florist: we don’t
Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.
I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.
i love modern commerce
Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here
I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.
the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out
wtf is a larm clock?
Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?
*on a first date*
Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal
Me: aw thanks
*turns to the waiter*
Me: do you have pony meat
100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’
5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”
Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”
5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”