To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
You Might Also Like
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair
The other day I walked past a neighbor’s house and the parrot on their porch whistled at me.
If I were a therapist, I would prescribe this to everyone with depression, every day, forever.
BRB gonna walk past my neighbor’s house
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just beat the room for being black.
*drops mic, gets beat by security*
DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)
To the person who got hold of my voodoo doll.
Stop feeding it!
#Fitness #Diet #RubbishJokes
#SaturdayMorning
Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church
Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen
Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?
Dream inside a dream
– inceptionInn inside an inn
– innceptionRe: Re:
– receptionRe: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
– email from your gran
One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you
I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.
Girlfriend, catching my gaze: What are you thinking?
Me [still furiously trying to work out why the frog in Frogger dies when it goes in water, and why the Flintstones celebrated Christmas]: Just how right everything feels when I’m with you.
me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no
“Snowmageddon”? We can do better, Twitter.
#SnowCountryForOldMen
#ISnowWhatYouDidLastWinter
#SnowMommaFromTheTrain
#Snowverfield
A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
Nature’s first bud, spring is in bloom
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.
i understand that my body can’t digest corn or whatever. that’s fine. my issue is that i f****** chewed it. how the hell is it coming out back in the shape of corn. what are they not telling us
I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.
Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it
My neighbour called out “cheer up” today so I asked if he was moving house
Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.
If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR
They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.
You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.