My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
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Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”
I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.
Worst reasons to wake up to a strange voice at 3am:
1. home intruder
2. haunting
3. bluetooth speaker lady complaining she wants more power
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars 🙂
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me
[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf
My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
Me grinning like a jackass with my luggage labelled “ wayward son” and waiting for them to ask checked bag or carry-on
I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.
I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.
#goodplan
Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.
Watching the Olympics.
Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL!
Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.
These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.
cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here
i was carrying a 15′ handrail through menards when i jokingly challenged a lady to a jousting match. later, when i thought i saw her again in the parking lot, i said ‘are you ready to joust!” but it wasn’t the same lady.
I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.
4yo: When you’re 9, you can drive
Me: Pretty sure you have to be older
4yo: Some people can drive at 9
Me: A little older
4yo: Ya, it’s 9
Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?
Yeah ok whatever, bassist. Stand over there being all tall and quiet and keeping the rhythm together. Just look at the drummer and exchange your little knowing glances like you know you want to.
Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.
the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face
As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.
Discuss.
getting fitted for a wedding suit and i know they’re going to ask me what i want and already i know i’m going to just go blank and say like “pants….. and jacket”