i was carrying a 15′ handrail through menards when i jokingly challenged a lady to a jousting match. later, when i thought i saw her again in the parking lot, i said ‘are you ready to joust!” but it wasn’t the same lady.
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Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
ohgod what if there’s some murderer in the backseat of my car while i’m driving alone and they hear me singing this cranberries song off-key
[plot twist] ur buried vertically
If you can build and occupy a house on the moon for 6 months, you own that part of the moon. The moon police can’t stop you.
I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.
if all my dreams come true then the next time i go grocery shopping i’ll start mopping up a spill because suddenly i work there but then realize i forgot to wear pants so i’ll try to run home but my legs are made of rubber and then all my teeth fall out so stop wishing that on me
I don’t know what the big whoop is if I run out of masks and have to put a paper bag over my head, but the police officer who pulled me over sure seemed pissed about it.
I never understood how Scooby and Shaggy could be convinced to do something they didn’t want to do with just a Scooby Snack until my wife said she’d make me a cheese platter if I cleaned out my closet.
HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL
The year is almost over, and I haven’t stabbed anyone. My New Year’s resolution is to do better.
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.
A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.
Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas
I inform my 4 year old that she’s going to a friend’s house 5 minutes before we leave so she only asks me when we’re going 6000 times.
Me checking my bank balance online.
Airlines trust I can operate an emergency door and usher hundreds of passengers to safety but think I need step by step instructions on buckling a seatbelt.
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.
me: would you still love me if i was crazy?
him: if????
“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward
*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
Kids are like I know this paper heart is from a ripped burrito wrapper I picked out of the gutter but it reminds me of you and you must keep it forever and ever till you die.
Cop: What is your line of business?
Me [mumbling]: Treason stuff.
Cop: Louder for the microphone.
Me: Trees ‘n’ stuff. Gardening.
I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.
Me: Not until you turn the heat down.
Me: *works out entire body a lot*
Arms: Lol no
Abs: Ehhh
Butt: haha what
Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE
MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point
I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.