Airlines trust I can operate an emergency door and usher hundreds of passengers to safety but think I need step by step instructions on buckling a seatbelt.
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Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”
Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one
I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.
[first day as Uber driver]
Me: any song requests?
Passenger: no thanks
Me: *tuning guitar* you sure?
How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that i could uncover with a group of misfits
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
Me: Powers out. I’ll eat all the food in the fridge so it doesn’t spoil
Wife: You just turned off the lights
Me: *3 tacos in my mouth* what?
5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
5:Why?
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?*racks the chamber*
I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.
[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]
I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.
– factory defect men’s underwear
Me: “I wish I was super hot…”
Menopause: “I got you, boo.”
Maybe this is the Windows software update that changes everything for me.
“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that
My kid sneezes and if you aren’t quick enough with “bless you” he says, “don’t worry I’m okay” in the most condescending tone ever uttered by a 2 year old
my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?
me: idk, want me to google it?
him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this
me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree
him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense
me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish
health inspector: so you see why this is happening
I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.
“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick
Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
Years ago after much testing and pearl clenching, a library I worked for purchased chairs that were designed to discourage snoozing. Within 15 minutes of the day they arrived, someone fell asleep in one. Wish I had saved the photo.
There has to be a better way for smoke detectors to say hey, the battery is low. Currently, they strike in the middle of the night like a serial killer, playing a twisted game of which one of the seven in the house needs immediate attention, taunting us with its three chirps.
Phones down.
My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”