I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too
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Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…
babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.
Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
[DEATH ROW]
WARDEN: Last meal?
CON: Just a glass of lemonade please
*Drinks lemonade/Burps*
WARDEN: Pardon
[CON WALKS FREE]
W: SHIT
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.
*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever
I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
why am i having trouble navigating this map??
The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…
The reason cats are so pissy is they’re God’s perfect killing machines but they only weigh 8lbs and we keep picking them up and kissing them
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.
There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.
‘Drinking water successfully’ is out
‘Drinking water and letting it fall out the side of your mouth somehow and then down your chin and also to your shirt and oh god you’re sitting and the pants got hit too’ is in
I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.
I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy
[first date at restaurant]
Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.
If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time
I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.
I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.
[school email]
Parents, please send a snack with your child to school…no cookies or candy please. Let’s keep it healthy:)[same email]
Today’s lunch menu: Chocolate chip pancakes, syrup infused bacon, Mtn Dew soaked carrots, snorted Pixie sticks, and liquified Cinnabons