I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.
*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever
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Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.
Pro tip: Always plug in your Christmas lights to see if they work before you untangle them.
GIRLFRIEND: How am I gonna tell my dad I’m pregnant?
ME: Leave that to me.
[later, at dinner]
HER DAD: *grabs chest* I’m having a heart attack.
ME: Oh no! Grandpa’s 😉 having a heart attack 😉
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
trying to explain to my kindergartener that the home depot cashier is not about to give him 6 pies