*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever

You Might Also Like


I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.


Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.


Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.


Pro tip: Always plug in your Christmas lights to see if they work before you untangle them.


GIRLFRIEND: How am I gonna tell my dad I’m pregnant?

ME: Leave that to me.

[later, at dinner]

HER DAD: *grabs chest* I’m having a heart attack.

ME: Oh no! Grandpa’s 😉 having a heart attack 😉


[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home


spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability


Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are


trying to explain to my kindergartener that the home depot cashier is not about to give him 6 pies