*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever
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My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.
[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
Police on bikes arresting someone:
“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”
It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
Cop pulled me over and said ” Papers?”
I said ” scissors” and drove off
I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero
Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??
Follow your dreams
Eat that cake
Skip the ads
Cut your own hair
Dye it too
Go on the run
Dance in moonlight
Hold your loved one close
Closer
Steal their soul
Offer it to Cthulhu
Write a children’s book
Illustrate it too
Love yourself
Imagine
St. Patrick’s Day: the day the Venn diagram for people who touch my hair for luck and the number of times I throat punch someone is just a circle.
I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.
Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.
video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!
me: [walks around the room]
video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!
This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available
There should be LEGO movies of everything. LEGO Die Hard. LEGO John Wick. Hell I’d even watch LEGO 50 Shades of Grey.
Start calling divorces “incidents”
Level up on that intrigue
I don’t know why people get mad when someone uses their driveway to turn around. You get to feel the rage of someone dropping by unexpectedly followed by the orgasmic relief of them leaving.
*Meets new person, forgets their name two seconds after they say it. Spends the next ten minutes hoping others in the conversation will say their name so I don’t have to ask.
Rights to name a newly discovered dinosaur will soon go up for auction. I can’t be the only one concerned about this poor thing that’s stayed hidden for millions of years getting named after a rapper.
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.
My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.
We’re prime-mates.
My parents hardly knew who my kindergarten teacher was but my son just found out who his first teacher will be and I can now tell you where she lives and the names of her sisters.
Captain: *opens treasure chest* Arrgh! It be just a mirror!
First Mate: Look closely, Cap’n
Captain: *studies* The treasure… is me?
Crew: Happy Birthday, Cap’n!
Captain: *sniff* Yarrr
didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off
They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”