@TragicAllyHere

*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever

You Might Also Like

@JennyJohnsonHi5

I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.

@robdelaney

Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.

@WilliamAder

Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.

@TheBoydP

Pro tip: Always plug in your Christmas lights to see if they work before you untangle them.

@FrazzleMyGimp

GIRLFRIEND: How am I gonna tell my dad I’m pregnant?

ME: Leave that to me.

[later, at dinner]

HER DAD: *grabs chest* I’m having a heart attack.

ME: Oh no! Grandpa’s 😉 having a heart attack 😉

@Jeffwni

[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home

@matty_up

spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability

@bourgeoisalien

Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are

@HenpeckedHal

trying to explain to my kindergartener that the home depot cashier is not about to give him 6 pies