There should be LEGO movies of everything. LEGO Die Hard. LEGO John Wick. Hell I’d even watch LEGO 50 Shades of Grey.
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I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.
My girlfriend didn’t hear what I said while I was sitting beside her on the couch so to make sure she heard me I went in the other room and muttered under my breath
They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..
remains to be seen, not heard
– undertakers
my girlfriend got annoyed at me for buying our son a whole bunch of new stuff for when he starts school because apparently “cats dont go to school” and “he cant use any of the things in that pencil case because he has paws”
*decorating the tree*
6yo: Dad, can I help?
Me: Of course! First we string the lights, then we show Mommy & she tells us what we did wrong.
It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.
My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.
Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
If movies have taught me anything it’s that when someone says, “sir, you can’t be in here,” if you retort with, “no no, it’s ok,” it totally becomes ok.
First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves
First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit
“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
Imagine meeting the person of your dreams and then finding out they use cutlery to eat a burger.
I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.
*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*
[in bed]
BF: Why are you scared?
ME: Cuz your Mom’s here
BF: She’s not bad
*Mom hands me pregnancy test* This better be positive by sunrise
me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
My seven year old reported to me today that the tooth fairy wasn’t paying him a fair wage compared to his peers and claimed that all his friends earn a liveable wage from tooth loss
Me: There’s a guy in Toronto who survived being shot thirty times. He’s totally fine now
Wife: I am not shooting you. Just go to work
I didn’t eat the side of fries bc they were soggy, room temperature and not bringing any joy. So yeah I’m on the Marie Kondo diet now.
Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.
(1st day as senator) yeah yeah but MY first priority is to find a mayo related food poisoning victim named cole and pass cole’s law
[There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!
just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet
Daughter: Mom! I’m bringing Carl home to meet you guys this weekend
Me: I should warn you, we’re going to be nude this weekend
Her: What??
Me: Yes, Friday to Sunday with no clothes
Her: Why?
Me: We want to be naked
Her: Why can’t you just admit you don’t like him
Me: So naked
Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face