ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.
MY BRAIN:
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Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants
the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.
When the chicken shop gives you chicken instead of change?
I guess it’s legal tender.
BF overheard me listening to the “Thank U, Next” video and asked “Is she saying ‘bacon, eggs’?” so that is how I will be singing this song from now on, thank you.
Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.
A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.
[I die and appear in a mysterious place]
me: woah, is this heaven or hell?
guy: here’s a giant plate of linguine
me: must be heaven!
guy: you have to eat it without the twirl technique
me: aw hell
Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.
Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?
Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika
Me at home: I want peace on earth and good will to men.
Me while grocery shopping: If one more idiot blocks the aisle, I’m going to run them over with my cart like grandma getting run over by a reindeer.
*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
Jesus loves you.
But only as a friend.
Me: How was school?
11-year-old: It was a normal day.
Me: So it was good?
11: I didn’t say that at all.
Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.
Rats the size of cats!
Cats the size of dogs!
Dogs the size of horses!
They’ve definitely put the wrong prescription in my new glasses.
I don’t want to marry Bill Gates because he’s rich.
I want to marry Bill Gates so I never have to fix my own computer.
The closest I’ll ever come to performing in the circus is standing on a swivel chair trying to reach the vodka I told my friend to hide.
My bf: can’t you give me a clue to where I put the car keys?
Me: The elephant crawls at midnight but the zebra lays down his tracks by the freeway.
Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.
[twirling my bra above my head like a helicopter and it gets stuck on the ceiling fan, im launched thru window into neighbors yard]
me: hey
It do be feeling this way.
Handshakes should be banned. Touch our naked body parts together for all the world to see? Gross!
I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today
Why is my body letting me get a cold?
I gave it an orange only last week….
Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*
Toddler: *crashes the stock market*
Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.