Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.
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Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest accomplishment?”
Me: “I was in a lot of people’s MySpace Top 8s back in 2004.”
[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?
Me: coming to the office Xmas party?
Steve: no [whispers] Lisa just lost her father
Me: there’ll be like 50 of us there. We’ll help you look
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion
When you have kids, you’ll see them fighting with each other a lot but you’ll also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.
[picks up date]
*slides over hood of car* *slides off car onto another car* *slides off that one onto another car* *date looks at her watch*
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
a perfect interaction just happened: a man at a bar came up to me and my friends and asked what we all did and I said I was a journalist and he said “oh like in spiderman”
If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.
He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.
Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home
If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.
Husband: *sleeping soundly*
Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?
[bank holdup]
Bank teller: interesting choice in masks
Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores
“We’ll call you” – OH NO
“You call us” – OH NO
Farm to table seasonal menus are hilarious. In August there are 17 fresh vegetable dishes described in flowing prose capped with perfectly framed Walt Whitman quotes and in January there are two sides that come down to “Jason’s sister-in-law found a bag of potatoes in the garage”
GUY: looks like your truck could use some work
ME [patting it]: indeed
GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
Things I have in common with an avocado:
-If I’m just on my own I’m pretty bland
-I swing drastically and unpredictably from too hard to too soft
-I’m pleasant for only a very brief window of time
-I’m often found with chips
Ever misread a tweet and think someone is being sarcastic so you laugh and retweet them only to realize later they weren’t being sarcastic and are really bat-shit crazy? Yeah, me neither.
My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.
grandpa: what do u call a dog in alaska
me: grandpa, no
grandpa: WHAT DO U CALL A DOG IN ALASKA
me: grandpa please
grandpa: A CHILI DOG
me: grandpa, I-
grandpa: WRITE THAT ON YOUR TWEETER
My knight in shining armor comes in liquid form.
People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.
My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.