When the chicken shop gives you chicken instead of change?
I guess it’s legal tender.
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Me grinning like a jackass with my luggage labelled “ wayward son” and waiting for them to ask checked bag or carry-on
If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.
When people write to tell me I’m not good at comedy, I reply “Well you’re not good at fan mail” then we all laugh &they are proved wrong.
I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.
The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic
Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk
Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.
cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor
Officer: It seems you have been drinking. Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter M?
No problem: Malphabet.
SPLOOT
Tik Tok is a national treasure.
Me: oh look, there’s keith, don’t say anything, but he’s obsessed with doors. Oh, hi keith.
Keith: Shut it.
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact“Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?”
SURE!
…bringing the total amount of cookies to 348
google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
Airbnb’s should be required to tell you their wifi password before you book because I’m second guessing this place based on “fluffycream350”.
Me: Time to give the undergoblin the Ol’ Razzle Dazzle…
Gynecologist: We’ve talked about this…Please, stop.
just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.
ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
*Roommate recording a lullaby album in his room*
*me banging on his door* HEY!! Can you sing a little louder?? I’m trying to sleep!!
Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?
My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,
and now I’m frantically looking for a new place to live.
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?