So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
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Unpopular opinion but siren songs low key kinda slap
ⓘ 𝗧𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝘂𝘀𝗲𝗿 𝗶𝘀 𝗹𝗼𝘀𝘁 𝗮𝘁 𝘀𝗲𝗮
yeah I’m excited for Dune 2
dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you
Friend’s 3 yr old: DO YOU THINK I’M A DOLLAR BILL?!
Me:
Friend, *embarrassed*: He means “adorable”
I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.
[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”
I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.
My good tweets are in my other pants.
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
*spelling bee*
“Your word is disaster.”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“That outfit you’re wearing looks like a natural disaster.”
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
One time in like 2014, Lauren Conrad tweeted “What’s my favourite position? CEO.” And I remember thinking that she ate, I was like yeah, that’s my girl
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”
SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.
Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.
I love having dinner at my fancy mansion when my mysterious guest casually asks me a piercing question that indicates they know all about my clandestine, illicit activities
Dr: how’s your diet?
Me: I’ve been eating a lot of good fats like you said
Dr: ice cream isn’t good fats
Me: are you kidding me ice cream is amazing
[MURDER SCENE]
ME: It’s a pretty open and shut case, Chief
CHIEF: For the last time, stop admiring the luggage the victim was found in and take a DNA sample
If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
My evil clone:[pointing to me] Shoot HIM, he’s the clone
Friend:[aims at the clone] The REAL Alex would never pass up an opportunity to die
This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.
“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”
ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.
Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.
The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.
Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.
Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor
Dog: can i eat this?
Me: no i was just-
Dog: [swallowing] thanks